Peer Relations

Many people seem to believe that only children and teens struggle with how to interact with peers. In fact, the older you get, the more complicated this may feel. A child does not have to worry about dating or professional peers. A teen's romantic interactions or job interactions may not be as intense as those of a high-level professional in a long-standing marriage. Thus, it benefits any aged individual who struggles with peer interactions at any level to deal with it directly and honestly. The GATE can offer a framework from which to develop the skills and awareness necessary to succeed confidently in this often confusing and frustrating part of life.

Genuineness

Genuineness is the ultimate building block of peer relations. Both genuineness with yourself so that you can be honest with others, and genuineness to others, which actually is manifested by honesty itself. People are great lie detectors . . .we all have the ability inside of us that Robert DeNiro has in "Meet the Parents." Most of us just do not have it as finely tuned as his character; however, our bodies know it--and we can all 'feel' a certain vibe when someone is not genuine, or congruent, with their feelings and actions. Alan Watts sums it up nicely in this quote from The Culture of Counterculture (pg 11):

"I was once associated in a business way with somebody who was a complicated person. He always pretended that he was a great idealist and that whatever he was doing was for the benefit of mankind, for the furtherance of mutual understanding, and to promote unselfishness and love between human beings. Actually, his dealings were very shady ethically. And I couldn't get along with him, because he wouldn't come clean. If he had said, "Look, I'm in a jam, and in order to get around it, I need you to manipulate things with me thus and so. I know it isn't ethical, but this what I need you to do." I would have said, "Well, I'm entirely in agreement with you." If he hadn't come on in his usual pious way, which I found sickening and offensive, but had come on in a human way, we would have understood each other."

This is a great example of how genuine action (coming on "in a human way"), no matter how difficult, will usually lead to more beneficial relationships and partnerships. Of course, this applies to not only professional interactions, but also to social and intimate ones as well. In short, be honest about what you are feeling--both to yourself and to others, in thought and in action.

Awareness

Being self-aware offers you the opportunity to monitor your interactions--being overly aware can however, be a hindrance (usually this is an issue for those who struggle with self-esteem). Being aware of if you are being overly self focused in the conversation vs. having a healthy balance of interest in the other person (or people, if in a group) is extremely helpful. If you find that you are too much on either side, then use your awareness to either pull back a little on your storytelling about yourself, or to pull-back a bit in the relentless questioning of others. . . whichever applies. Being aware of other people's body language, facial expressions and tone of voice will aid you in determining if you would do well to alter your level of interaction. If you find that you should, please do not beat yourself up--what will shine through to the other people involved is your perceptiveness and ability to adapt--not the initial interactions.

Trust

Trusting yourself can be difficult as you learn to improve your peer relation skills with others. If it has not gone smoothly in the past, you may have a difficult time trusting in the signals you are trying to be aware of. Seeking the honest feedback from a trusted teacher, counselor, spiritual leader, friend or family member who seems to have a solid grasp on social skills may be helpful. In this case, you may find yourself trusting externally before moving internally--THIS IS ONLY ONE PERSPECTIVE THOUGH!! You have to trust yourself enough first to decide which person to approach. You will notice that you may have an initial impression of who it is you trust and can learn from--this immediately shows your ability to discriminate between healthy and unhealthy models. This trust of self can be expanded to help you realize your comfort in many peer situations.

Empathy

Empathy for one's self is most evident through the increase in comfort as one learns to negotiate the complexities of interacting with others. When you have genuine compassion for yourself, you begin to relax a little, this relaxation shines through in your interactions with people. Remember that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." As you find yourself giving yourself a little room to learn in, you may find yourself offering others the same latitude in their actions--you begin modeling for them the balance you yourself have been working so hard to learn. When this happens, you have moved into a higher level of learning the social complexities involved in interactions.