Parenting

Generally speaking, there are some basic considerations to be mindful of when parenting children of any age.

First, if your kids feel included in the creation of some of the rules, rewards and consequences, and ideas, then they will be more invested in the process, and more likely to cooperate with the expectations.

Regarding communication, strive to be:

* Non-threatening (you want them to feel safe to ask you questions, tell you their mistakes and ask for help)

* Non-shaming (again, if they feel that you will simply judge them for their mistakes and decisions that you disagree with, then WHY WOULD THEY TELL YOU?)

* Nonjudgmental (related to non-shaming. Your kids will not communicate with you as much if they feel judged, especially as they approach their teenage years - when the stakes of communication are overtly much higher)

Regarding discipline:

* CATCH 'EM BEING GOOD!! Why do I put this advice in discipline? Because most of us have been trained by our own parents, and society in general, to mostly catch children being bad (followed by punishing discipline) in an effort to extinguish the negative behavior . . . we forget that parenting is about teaching and guiding, NOT just about discipline. The most powerful form of guidance is rewarding the positive.

* When you need to enforce consequences for not-so-good behavior, make sure that you KEEP YOUR COOL and that the consequence fits the mistake. . . in other words, if you teen is on the phone for 10 minutes longer than curfew, grounding them from the phone for a month is completely inappropriate and jeopardizes your credibility as a reasonable parent that teen can learn from. As a general rule of thumb, grounding should last no longer than 2 weeks for extreme behavior. The reasoning behind this number is that for children and teens, any longer might as well be an eternity, and for young children, they forget what they are being punished for and may come to associate their grounding with appropriate behaviors they have developed since the grounding was enforced. . . for teenagers, they are likely to begin a power struggle where their logic is, "Well, I'm grounded forever anyway, I might as well get 'em back, or have some fun while I'm grounded."

* BE CLEAR about what the inappropriate behavior is, and why it is not appropriate. Explain what the more appropriate behavior is, and always try to wrap up with clarifying that you love them even though you may not like how they are behaving.

* BE CONSISTENT! If you ground you child for a week, then follow through for the week (sorry kids! read on though, it gets better for you further down this page). HOWEVER, if you realize that you have overdone a consequence, then you may use the opportunity to teach your kids how to apologize and make things right by scaling down the consequence to a more reasonable level.

* Have ground rules written down in advance, and add to the list as necessary . . . if a behavior is not listed, or alluded to on the list, then do NOT impose a consequence . . . YET. Add the behavior to the list, explain why it is inappropriate and what the future consequence will be, then move on. Of course, if the behavior is an obvious violation of laws, safety, etc., then some sort of basic consequence is OK. Just remember to keep your cool and NEVER ACT OUT OF RAGE.

Point System (adapted from "Transforming the Difficult Child")

Philosophy: Reward the good by giving points; impose immediate/natural consequences for the inappropriate behavior by deducting points along with other consequences (time outs, replacing/repairing broken items, an apology, etc.) if needed (just taking away points is often sufficient for many difficult behaviors; however, do not hesitate to use 'time-out' etc. in conjunction-just do NOT overdo it).

Motto: "CATCH EM BEING GOOD!!!!"

Create a system that is age appropriate (sticker and star charts for younger kids, graph paper a little later on, and accounting ledger for teens) where positive behavior is awarded points (more points for how big the behavior is), and negative behavior has points deducted (again, more points for bigger behaviors). Your Point Chart can be divided into 3 levels of positive behaviors (and 3 levels of rewards/points), and 3 levels of negative behaviors (again, with 3 levels of consequences/point deductions); try to use broad terms where possible (for example, accountability, respect, honesty, etc.) so that obvious infractions or positive displays of these principles can be addressed through the broader concept (respect, for example).

Be creative with this . . . feel free to check it out with a counselor if you are not sure about the details. Be willing to debug the system as you go along though. . . this process is an excellent opportunity to model learning and putting learning into action in a calm, healthy manner.

Many people find a basic point system where points are directly cashed out for rewards to be most effective in their particular family situation. Others find more complex systems motivate more behavior change in their lives as long as the system is not so complex as to defeat the purpose.

**INCLUDE your kids in the making of the lists that get rewards & consequences, and how much those actions get awarded/taken away; be willing to bargain a little. The more invested your children are in the process, the more likely they will abide by it.

**If a behavior is not on the list, do not deduct points; simply explain the behavior, why it is not OK, and how many points will be taken away next time. Of course, major negative behaviors that endanger people/property (setting fire to a corn field) should not be overlooked and just added with no consequence . . . clearly, use your judgment.

**REMEMBER that you must keep this system in place for 6-8 weeks before it begins to 'stick.' The point system only tends to work when parents keep it in place over time.

Regarding making tough parenting decisions:

* ASK YOURSELF, "if my son/daughter were faced with this very decision about their child, what would I hope for them to do?" Then, do that. This is a great filter since it is fairly uncommon for people to wish harm upon their children; AND since you would wish for your kids to act in a certain way, then you will be modeling that for them. THE OLD SAYING, "Do as I say, not as I do" IS A HARMFUL AND COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LESSON. It teaches double standards and is extremely confusing for children and teens alike. As a parent, it is your responsibility to behave in a manner consistent with what you expect from your kids. . remember, they learned to talk by watching you. . . they learned to tie their shoes by watching you, they learn their manners by watching you, they learn problem solving, conflict resolution, etc. all by watching you. . .THEY WILL LEARN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS BY HOW YOU TREAT THEM.

* Consult with other parents, counselors, clergy, mentors, friends, family, etc.

* Remind your children that you love them no matter what.

* If you are unsure of what to say, tell your children that you love them.

* Be willing to be wrong; and be willing to correct the mistake in a manner that models appropriate 'mistake-management' for your children.

* Use your instincts and previous experiences of what has worked before, and build on those.

General Considerations:

Parenting styles change with each family. There are a few trends, though, that prove to be very useful when raising kids of any age.

One of the most important parts of parenting is how to talk to your child. Finding ways to teach your child about feelings, values, rules, rewards, and consequences is a challenge faced by all parents.

Most often, communication with a child of any age should be:

* Open
* Honest
* Direct
* Consistent
* Proactive
* Strength based
* Curious

You should try to avoid being:

* Hostile
* Shaming
* Deceptive
* Judging
* Assuming
* Manipulative

According to Dr. John Gottman, a family's Philosophy of Emotion has a tremendous impact on the development of a child's ability to manage difficult emotions later in life (The Relationship Cure, 2001). Emotionally Coaching families that provide acceptance and reassurance along with teaching healthy coping skills tend to have the most success. Families that are Emotionally Disapproving, or Emotionally Dismissive tend to create significant problems for children learning basic socialization skills and conflict management.

There are some other basic practices that help lead to healthy development of both the parent and the child:

* Catch your kids being good. Try to reward positive actions with a point system (see above) or privileges. Keep in mind that kids like to be happy and to please their parents.

* Assume success, and reward behaviors as they approach success.

* Use immediate, fitting consequences that match the intensity of the behavior (being too harsh can hurt your credibility as a parent).

* Respect your child's age level. A 16-year old will likely deserve more responsibility than a 10 year old. Try to avoid treating a 16 year old like a 10 year old because of your being angry with him/her. Also try to avoid giving a 6 year old the responsibilities of a 16 year old (baby-sitting for several hours, for example).

* Listen to, and learn from your child. Be open to the idea that you may not completely understand their experiences, thoughts and feelings in the same way that they do. Ask them to help you understand their experience. Remember to validate the feelings/experiences first.

* When listening, try to hear your child's message, and then say it back to them. Try to hold off on judging their message or trying to convince them that they are wrong. Just begin by letting them know that you hear what they are trying to share with you, even if you disagree. Once a child (especially a pre-teen or teen) feels that they have been heard and respected, they are more likely to hear what you have to say.

* Model the behavior you would like to see in your child. In other words, if you do not want to see your child yelling and screaming when conflict comes up, then be careful not to yell and scream when conflict comes up for you. Remember, your kids learned how to tie their shoes by watching you, they learned their manners by watching you, they learned how to talk by watching you. They WILL learn how to deal with conflict and how to face tough emotions by watching you.

* In any situation, imagine your kids in the same situation, and then imagine how you hope that they would handle themselves. Then handle yourself like that. This way, you are showing them how they should act.

* Focus on working through mistakes . . . not on the mistake itself. Just like this is your first time parenting your child, it is your child's first time, too. You may make mistakes, and so will your child. By teaching your child that you do not only focus on the bad (instead, focusing on reward and natural consequences) they will be more likely to work with you willingly in making a smooth home life.

* Work with your child's school. At the same time, try to respect your child's privacy and boundaries. PTA meetings are an excellent place to check in with teachers and counselors about your child. If there is trouble at home, talk to teachers and see if your child's behavior is better at school. If it is, ask the teachers how they work with your child-be willing to learn from your child's teachers. If your family is experiencing a difficult time (divorce, death, etc.), let school administrators and teachers know so that they can keep an eye on your child.

* Take an interest in your child's development. Go to their games, celebrate their success, and comfort them when they don't succeed (be careful not to overdo it-sometimes children need to have the time to work through their feelings using the skills you have taught them).

* Ask questions/be curious, but try not to pry. Ask your child to help you understand (ex. "Could you help me understand what it is like being a teenager today.").

* Respect privacy and try to avoid 'snooping.' Remember that your kids learn by watching your actions; if you snoop around . . . they will snoop around, too. Clearly, if you are concerned for your child's well being, there may be appropriate times to do a limited search, but try to ask your child first about what you are concerned about, then talk to a counselor if you feel the need to search their personal belongings. If your instincts tell you to snoop, then snoop! They are still children under your care, and while respect of privacy is important, your child's physical and emotional well-being is more important.

Genuineness

Genuineness with children and teens is especially crucial as they are still developing their skills and behaviors by watching others. When you are Genuine, you are putting your genuine 'self' (your true self) with your child (spouse, etc.) and are more available to be in the moment with them . . . better able to truly listen and connect with them in more meaningful ways. This not only models honesty and genuineness (which help to build Trust and Empathy) for your children to follow, but it also helps you to maintain clarity over your situation as a parent, husband, brother, etc. It IS OK to let your kids know when you are hurting, scared, angry, etc. Not being genuine about these very real emotions leaves your children with no model to follow when they experience these emotions for themselves (IF they haven't already).

Awareness

Being self-aware and aware of your children is made easier by genuineness. By allowing yourself to simply notice, without too much judgment, what you are feeling and what others are experiencing, you have already set the stage for awareness. We could almost call Awareness "Conscious Genuineness" in that you take genuine emotions, and simply consciously notice them for what they are. Try to be aware that your children are learning for the first time what it is like to be age 5, or 15, or 18, etc. and that they will make mistakes. Try to be aware that this is your first time parenting this particular 5 year old, or this particular 15 year old, etc. and that you will make mistakes while learning too. Fostering this genuine awareness, you will begin to notice that it is OK for people (parents and children alike) to make mistakes; that it is not the mistake itself that matters so much -- rather, it is each person's thoughtful response to the mistake. Awareness helps one to respond to mistakes (and successes) in a manner that is most respectful and empowering to those involved.

Trust

Trust yourself to be able to make mistakes and resolve them. Trust your children to do the same, but on their level. By offering trust to another person, you are helping to teach others how to trust. You are also facilitating empowerment in the one you trust by showing them that you believe in their abilities to succeed -- this helps them to be motivated from within.

Be trustworthy. Don't forget that trust goes both ways...giving trust is not enough; acting in a way that earns trust is equally important both to self growth and that of your children. Kids are more likely to WANT to behave well and succeed when they know that they are trusted to do so, and that success will be seen and appreciated (even rewarded--it's ok! They are kids!!)

Empathy

Remembering that this is their first time being kids also applies here; as does remembering that this is your first time parenting each individual child (ask any parent with more than one child and you will hear that each one brings new learning, new challenges, and new success). When you allow yourself to honestly be aware of another person's experience and perspective, you are on the way to empathy. There is an added component of compassion to take this to the next level. In any relationship, whether with parents, spouses, or children, etc., empathy conveys G,A,and T clearly to the other person involved. Doing so helps to strengthen all aspects of the relationship -- including communication.