Marital

Any relationship between 2 people has 3 (yes, three) dynamics at play: 1)Your dynamics, 2)The other person's dynamics, and 3)The relationship's dynamics, which are NOT just a co-mingling of you and the other person's dynamics . . . the relationship's dynamics includes both of you, but also has some manifestations of its own. For example, I was doing couples counseling with a couple who individually were extremely shy, but when together, were rather outgoing and loud. Interesting? Yes. Unhealthy or a bad match, not at all. It was their other differences that added some spice to the relationship (please don't misinterpret this to mean that opposites always attract, or that all birds of a feather flock together - we are not electronic circuits (well, at least not in the sense that only opposites would attract). . . and we're certainly not birds).

Anybody who has been married any length of time can tell you that marriage is not as easy as it looks in the movies, or in our fantasies. It is hard work, often well worth it, but sometimes it does not seem quite so worth it; and sometimes this dance seems to have no rhyme or reason. It is when you and/OR your spouse begin to consistently feel this apathy about working on the relationship that couples counseling becomes vital. Obviously, if you are able to notice things (i.e., awareness) going in this direction before the apathy occurs, then even better - get started at that point using the GATE, communication skills (involving both how to send AND receive communication), counseling, and mutual respect to potentially head off the apathy.

As with many other topics in this website, following through on these ideas/suggestions can be much easier said than done. Keep trying - persistence and consistency are some of the most powerful tools we have available to us.

"The Relationship Cure," and "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" are extremely helpful books to read when working on your relationships (martial or otherwise).

Genuineness

In an intimate relationship, both partners know each other better than most, and as a result will truly be able to irritate each other more efficiently than most others (often referred to as 'pushing each others buttons'). They will also take out their most intense emotions on each other as they trust them to be there tomorrow. Genuineness is crucial in dealing with these challenges as it helps each person be more clear on what the real issue is (as it contributes to awareness) and what the actual emotions are. For an issue to be resolved, or even prevented, it is helpful (sometimes necessary) for both parties to be on the same page in understanding the issue itself, or at least recognize that they are on separate pages. By allowing genuineness to enter, you are allowing the issue to present itself more clearly and accurately. Once genuineness has set the stage for both people being on the same page (or in agreement that they are just on different pages--ie. agree to disagree), they can then move to mutual awareness, which leads to trust, then empathy for each other's unique positions.

You may use Genuineness to be honest with yourself and your spouse about what you are needing from them (John Gottman refers to these attempts for connection with others as 'Bids.' See 'Relationship Cure' in my booklist). Rather than looking for connections by disguising your needs (i.e. disguised 'bids'), try just being overt (with tact, please). The ability to be transparent in your needs is a skill that takes practice to accomplish--it also takes practice to hear somebody being transparent. If you are feeling poorly and would like some soup, try asking nicely for some soup rather than complaining about how bad your throat hurts and it would be nice if you had a spouse who cared enough to make soup (you can see how the latter version would be less likely to work out well; and you won't get your soup).

Awareness

Being self aware of your own triggers (of anger, for example) helps you to plan how you will respond to, and even how to avoid, these triggers. Being aware of your spouse's triggers helps you to partner with them in helping them to plan for/avoid such triggers as well. For example, if you know that tapping your fingers on the table is a trigger for your spouse, then when the two of you are in an intense discussion or argument you will be able to pay special attention to not tapping your fingers as it would only worsen the situation for yourself, your spouse, and the relationship between the two of you. Maintaining an awareness of the gifts, expectations and emotions of your spouse are also opportunities to improve awareness skills. The same awareness of your partner's dynamics are just as important as this awareness lends itself to improved balance.

Using your awareness to be mindful of your spouse's needs (i.e. 'bids') will help you learn how to respond to them appropriately--it will also help you know how to send your needs (again, 'bids'). When you show your spouse that you care enough to notice their bids, even if their bid is not as healthy or appropriate as it could be, it shows that you care for them enough to look beyond the words or attitude to see what they are really needing. You will find that the same thing is returned to you when you bid in an unhealthy manner.

Trust

Trust is one of the most fundamental components of any relationship, especially marriage. Remembering that trust includes and transcends genuineness and awareness helps you to use those qualities to improve the depth of trust and trustworthiness (behavior that earns trust). Trusting and earning trust both involve taking risks. Working through these risks, even when they result in mistakes or pain, builds trust; however, one often finds that if they trust their instincts on when and how to take certain risks (like showing up to your spouse's work to surprise them for lunch, etc.), that the result is usually worthwhile, meaningful and positive.

Trust that your spouse has a legitimate need that they are trying to express (and have understood), even when their expression is out of line. Trust that they will calm down once they see that you are making an honest effort to meet, or at least understand, their needs (bids).

Empathy

Remember that your spouse has good and bad days too!! And that they are patient with yours. Remember, what is a mole hill to one person is a mountain to another, and an active, spewing volcano to still another. By using skills of G, A, and T, you will find it easier to appreciate your spouse's experience, no matter how you would experience it yourself. Don't forget to have some empathy for yourself, too! Beating yourself up for being too harsh with your spouse is much less helpful than just being aware of it, then apologizing and making up.

We all want to feel that people have compassion for us, so show compassion when your spouse is upset or having a bad day. Often enough, a snap from a spouse is a call for help/support/reassurance more than it is about actually putting the toilet lid down or the cap back on the toothpaste (those are common 'hooks' for people to hang their frustration/anger on, rather than just being honest and clear about what they really need).