Listening Skills

Use the GATE concepts.

IMPORTANT! This page is concerning listening skills only-- there are other considerations to address in relationship healing--these skills alone are often not enough to resolve marital/relationship problems. They are important tools, but the particular intensity of a marital/romantic commitment deserves a deeper look beyond just listening skills (see 'Martial' article to the left; also consider purchasing copies of Dr. John Gottman's books, "The Relationship Cure," and, "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work."

A wise person who I cannot currently remember says, "Seek to understand before seeking to be understood." This really captures the essence of listening.

We can all relate to times where somebody was talking to us and we were so lost in thought planning our response that we neglected to really listen to what was being said to us. This communicates disinterest and lack of respect to the speaker. Seek to understand.

A few tips to consider when listening:

Seek to understand--before being understood. This is so important, I have listed it twice on this page. Let me say it a third time, SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE SEEKING TO BE UNDERSTOOD. This shows respect and a genuine desire to hear the other person--even if you disagree with them. This will lead to their feeling less defensive and less likely to become loud or irritated at the interaction.

Make eye contact--don't stare them down, but show your attention by looking into the speaker's eyes occasionally.

Have open body language--try not to sprawl out on the floor, but keep a generally 'open' stance that shows you are receptive to the message being sent to you. Nod occasionally to let them know you are listening. Use your facial expression to show interest, compassion, or confusion, but make sure you are not being dramatic or sarcastic/judgmental.

Reflect back--say back to the speaker what you heard them say (the 'content' versus the 'emotions' (see validation below for emotions). For example, "If I am hearing you correctly, you are saying that the paint is the wrong color". This is not saying parrot or mimic them; rather it is to encourage paraphrasing and checking out your understanding of what was said. . . this can prevent a great deal of confusion as if you heard it wrong (or if they sent the message in an unclear fashion), the speaker can then restate their point.

It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude about their emotional experience. Even if you disagree with what they see as the content. Quite often, both of you are correct: if you hold a quarter up with tails facing them, and heads facing you, then each of your reports of what you see is 'correct' but different. When dealing with conflict, it is easy for the ego to try and exploit this difference as a place to attack. Do not fall into this trap.

Validate emotions--This is similar to Reflection, however it refers to the emotional experience of who you are talking to. It is important to avoid sarcasm or any other judgmental attitude about their emotional experience. Even if you disagree with their emotional response (i.e. they are angry that you like chocolate ice cream . . . it makes no sense to most of us, but it is their feelings and they have a right to feel that way; besides, you cannot usually just 'turn off' emotions that don't make sense to others).

You validate emotions by calmly letting them know that you see that they seem to be feeling hurt, angry, happy, etc. Sometimes it is helpful to ask if you are on the 'right track.' See Empathy.

Take a one-down stance--this can help to nullify a perceived power differential. These words can put you in a one-down stance, "Help me understand. . . . " By inviting the person to 'teach' you what they are feeling or experiencing, you are showing them that you truly wish to hear what they are saying--use Reflecting (see above) make sure you have heard them correctly.

Ask 'open' questions--these are questions that are most easily answered with a sentence rather than a single word like 'yes' or 'no.' These open questions invite more discussion, rather than quick responses.

Watch your tone and word choice -- Use a calm tone and words that are not 'loaded.' I would extend this to mean do not be passive- aggressive in general. We all know the little communication games that can be played where we 'say' the 'nice' words, but with an air of sarcasm or malice. Nobody misses this kind of game. And it really never helps.