Grief (This can pertain to both loss of life and ending of relationships)

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969), there are 5 basic stages of grief:

1)Denial/Isolation
2)Anger
3)Bargaining
4)Depression
5)Acceptance

First, it should be understood that the 'final' stage, acceptance, does NOT mean that you forget the loss, or that you are happy about it . . . it simply means that you have made peace with the loss and have moved into a place where you can continue living your life in peace.

Next, please understand that even though these stages do represent a basic order, that most people experience periods of each stage (in various order) until they finally reach a fairly consistent experience of acceptance. In other words, most people begin with denial/isolation (sometimes called 'shock'). Once the initial shock passes, the stages may seem to bounce around a bit . . . going from denial one minute, to anger the next, even to acceptance the next, then back to depression. Most find this experience to be quite unsettling and difficult to manage.

By beginning to take good care of yourself, you will find that each of the 1st 4 stages begin to last for shorter periods, and occur less and less often. Likewise, as this happens, you will find that the initial 'flashes' of acceptance happen more often and last longer and longer.

Regarding self care, be creative . . . but follow some basic common sense: have a healthy diet, exercise, get counseling if you need, talk to friends/family, set boundaries and let people what you do and do not need, cry, etc. You may find journaling, drawing, playing music/writing music, and other creative outlets to be helpful.

MOST IMPORTANT: Do not let people (including me) dictate how to grieve--take peoples' suggestions and do what feels right for you . . . everybody has different timelines and different tools to use. As long as they are legal and not harmful to yourself or others, then trust your ideas--if they do not work, then try something else or ask for help with new tools.

As you go through the healing process of grief, you will find that there are times when you find you are doing OK, only to be hit by depression, anger, etc. . . seemingly out of the blue. Usually, these experiences are linked to some sort of trigger, or landmine, that reminds us (either consciously or unconsciously) or our loss. Some common triggers of grief are places and things associated with our loved one who has passed, TV shows that deal with loss, and songs that remind us of our loved one. There are a few major landmines/triggers that you can plan for: Birthdays, anniversaries of a loved one's death, holidays, etc. Some people find that honoring their loved ones during these times can help to ease the pain. Plant a tree or make a donation in their name, write them a letter and bury it, burn it, put in in a bible or other spiritual book, etc. Be creative.

Genuineness

Genuine grief is one of the most difficult emotions to manage. A sense of helplessness, anger, frustration, sadness, and lethargy seem to all work themselves into the process of healing. This many emotions and experiences at once can be confusing, to say the least. Genuineness to self helps to clarify and respect each of these normal emotions. When each emotion is genuinely experienced as unique and valid, grief begins to release.

Awareness

Be aware that just as with a burn or cut, healing involves pain. The grief process is a painful one, but one that does lead to acceptance and moving on with one's life. Learning more about the 5 stages of grief (Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) increases awareness by giving you an idea of some things to expect. Be aware that each person, including yourself, will experience grief in a unique way, and in unique time. Likewise, being aware of what actions help you to feel more at peace will enable you to begin doing those things. Using awareness with others who are experiencing grief will help you to gauge your actions and expression of support.

Trust

Trust that grief IS a healing process . . . even if it is uncomfortable. Trust that death ends a life, not a relationship, not memories, not the ability to live and experience joy after the loss of a loved one. Trust others to let you know what they need when grieving. The ability to trust in a healing process is important if one is to move forward with life. Trust yourself to be able to know what is best for you during your time of need.

Empathy

Remember to keep the GATE in mind when helping yourself and others through grief. You or somebody you know who is grieving may be in a difficult place where it is difficult to interact with others. Remembering how difficult grief can be for you is important. . .if you tend to deal with grief rather quickly, then try to remember that people who take more time are just as 'correct' as those who grieve in less time; remember that they deserve the same respect as you do when you are grieving.