Anger

Think of Anger management as learning to respond (vs. react) to feelings of anger, stress, etc. Triggers are situations, or reminders of any kind (a sign, a song, a place, etc.), that stir up our anger. Landmines are sudden experiences of anger, from a very intense trigger that we are usually not aware of. Usually, we do not see a landmine until we step on it. . . pay attention to your triggers and landmines so that you can learn to steer clear of them. Stress and Anxiety management issues are often covered in anger management, so don't forget that self-care is especially important for those struggling with anger. I think we can all agree that anger is fairly uncomfortable . ..ask yourself, "What is my discomfort trying to tell me?" and you may be surprised to hear your own answer.

Try to keep in mind that no matter how ridiculous a person's anger may seem (being angry that somebody like chocolate ice cream, for example), IT IS LEGITIMATE (denying the legitimacy will not cause the anger to go away. . . as a matter of fact, it will likely only worsen things) and needs to be respected. We all have pet peeves, some of which may seem odd to others (or, as I said, to even ourselves); if we try to deny the anger and squash it down, then it will only fester and get louder and louder in our minds and/or bodies until we eventually find a way to release it. Use the GATE to help you trust yourself to work through your anger, or deal with somebody else's, in a way that actually helps move towards resolution.

Genuineness

When dealing with anger, or any other uncomfortable emotion, it is sometimes difficult to maintain a genuine awareness as this means making the discomfort more real. However, it is this discomfort that results from genuine experience that fuels change and brings about more effective ways of managing anger. We can begin by simply looking at how our body responds to anger . . . do we clinch our teeth? Shoulders? Do we begin to sweat? Or pace? Perhaps even turn red or become physically or verbally aggressive (maybe even passive-aggressive). Learning to genuinely see these indicators of anger sooner and sooner is the first crucial step to anger management via choices in response. Once you allow yourself to genuinely experience your emotion and any related indicators, you can begin to make choices of how to deal with those emotions and sensations/behaviors. Next, we move to awareness, where one becomes more self-aware of the meaning of triggers and landmines.

Awareness

Through being genuine about what you are feeling/experiencing, you become increasingly clear about the reality of your situation. You are better able to assess what effect you would like your next decision to have on your situation. For example, if you genuinely notice that you are angry by noting that your fists are clenched, you will then be able to choose a response that will be more likely to result in decreased stress and increased clarity on options (note: ideally, you will eventually be able to notice your indicators of anger before the actual emotion becomes overwhelming and more difficult to manage). Generally speaking, once you notice your fists are clenched, you may find it helpful to go ahead and release them while taking a smooth, controlled deep breath (NOT a Huff 'n' Puff where you passive-aggressively make an announcement of your continued anger).

Trust

Trusting that your emotions are valid, as are those of others, will help you to be able to move forward with finding solutions and alternatives to feeling overwhelmed by anger. Trust not only means trusting that others are able to work through issues, but also that you yourself have the ability to manage your own issues, like anger. Sometimes, trust may be as subtle as trusting that, "This too shall pass . . ." Trusting that anger is a legitimate emotion that has a beneficial purpose will help in finding the cause and taking steps to resolve it (as opposed to denying it and allowing the issue to fester). Trusting in the face of intense anger is quite a challenge . . . try to agree ahead of time with your friend, spouse, etc. that when things get heated, that the 2 of you will take a 10-15 minute (or longer) break to cool off and consider how to hear the other person without judgment, and how to present your side calmly and respectfully . . . this will often help trust grow as both people are more likely to be receptive to one another after a brief cooling-off period.

Empathy

Like all other emotions you can experience (including all of the shades within each emotion), other people can experience the same . . . the same discomfort, the same irritation, the same anger. Albeit in a unique fashion for each individual, in our culture the more global experience of anger is basically unpleasant and motivates some sort of action. Therefore, by understanding that the person who you are dealing with may experience the same challenges you do (but in their own unique way), you become better able to understand the experience that they are trying to share -- even if that experience is anger. Once you are able to clearly understand what the other person is angry at, or trying to share, you are better able to take necessary steps toward resolution. Without clarity on both sides, which requires empathy to some degree, problem solving takes more time, and produces less reliable solutions. As with other emotions, self-empathy (i.e. Compassion for self) creates a situation where you are able to somewhat diffuse the pressure of anger by realizing that your own anger is legitimate and OK -- that you are not wrong for being angry, that you are not a bad person, or even a negative person for experiencing it. Having lifted this weight to some degree, we are free to find more creative solutions to whatever situation we are faced with.